Reflecting on 'TO WIVES: BEFORE YOU WERE “MOMMY”' Part 1

After reading http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/01/24/before-you-were-mommy/, it really hit home with me. My marriage has entered into the years where most marriages begin to fail. In the course of my marriage so far, I went into Mommy Mode twice with the birth of each of my children. I forgot I was a wife first.

He was charming, handsome, and oh so smart. I would get excited when I would get to see him. I woke up for work everyday and was excited to go because I knew I would get to see him and have lunch with him. He was smooth talking and knew the way to my heart. I would smile as soon as I saw him. His tall towering frame would hover over me and I would feel so safe in his strong muscular arms. When we were together everything was so magical. We endured tough times and proved to those around us that LOVE CONQUERS ALL. After dating for 6 years, I was so blessed that day that I was able to call this man my HUSBAND. Then....

Our first daughter was born with a congenital heart defect and I ended up quitting my job and being a full time stay at home mom. I was in full on Mom overdrive. Everything was about this little being. From the endless doctors appointments to the adjusting to being a new Mom, it was a very difficult time for me. At that time I think I also started to lose my identity, the person I was. I was just sitting in being overwhelmed and I resented staying at home. I had a career I wanted to see take off. Instead, I was cleaning, cooking and taking care of a small being. I was so inwardly focused on myself and how much it sucked that I neglected  the love of my life, my partner in crime. He became like a roommate.

It is only today as I write this that I realize that I forgot him. That handsome face that would light up the room as soon as he walked was now just there. In those days, I was maladjusted. We moved 4 blocks from my in-laws and were practically newly weds (honeymoon baby), I did not seek a support network and my family members although close (30 miles) were also so far. Since I moved to a new area, no friends were there, and I was in a new church and not involved.

Oh, my poor husband. The entire pregnancy was about me. I had a difficult pregnancy both times. He was protective of me, served me, and got me anything I wanted to eat. He made me feel beautiful even though I was the size of a tanker truck. He would drive me to all my doctors appointments and was comforting me when we found out the baby had a funky heart.

My poor sweet husband endured being unloved and I only noticed now, in hind sight. Our marriage became rocky and we disconnected. Then, I started seeking Christ and my life was changing. In short, I learned to accept and enjoy my calling as a house wife.  My husband took notice, and our marriage survived its first three and a half years. Then... I got pregnant again.

Again, my selfless husband poured into me. He took care of me and our daughter when I was just so exhausted that I could not do anything. Dinners were uncooked, the laundry not done, and chores left for later. Baby number two came. Again, we had to adjust to two children. The adjustment was not so bad. But our marriage was.

There was no more laughter, no kind words, no connection. My spouse was drained and I did not even realize it until now. My pregnancies were all about me that I did not take the time to make it about him--ever. Life was all about the children. He would come home to the chaos and me overwhelmed and not excited about his coming home because I was excited to see him but because he could help me with the kids. On top of it all I was feeling unloved and was expecting someone that I was not pouring into to love me. I was being an unfaithful wife through my self pity, selfishness, and failures. I could not see things past my own nose and I accused him of being selfish while he suffered silently.

Finally, we sought out help. We began to see a Christian marriage counselor and have been able to get our marriage back on track. Through that process, I have began to realize that it happens to all marriages. Some marriages never come out of that dark place and eventually end in failure. I have seen days where I thought our marriage was really over but by the grace of God, we worked it out. Today, our marriage is in a much better place. We have our good days and bad days but at the end of it all, we know that love will see us through.


For all you wives out there reading this, don't forget the one you love. We can so easily forget and get distracted from being a wife first. Remember your vows, for better for worse. I am by no means blaming my children for anything but all couples get hit by the challenges of child rearing and parenthood. Like all things, I am realizing that it is a season. There will be chaotic days and days where the house looks like a tornado hit it. But don't lose sight of the big picture and remember your partner in crime. Remember you are a wife first.